Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You may now shotgun with the bride
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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