Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We have started to decorate penises.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
