i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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