There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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