This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
