Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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