if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
