Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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