my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Do vagina's smell?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
