you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
