"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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