You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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