i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
