Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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