somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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