if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
