Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
