Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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