I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
