so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
