I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
