Your tits are I can't wait for
It was confusing and full of hummus
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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