my phone needs a breathalizer
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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