i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
