Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Are we still banned from the library?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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