Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
