you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
