Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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