I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
no you cant smoke seaweed
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
