I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
ttyl tear gas
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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