Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
