in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
