and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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