I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
