maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
tell me about the fingering
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
