After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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