i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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