He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
