am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
