I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
