she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
