this just has baby written all over it
Are my feet made of real feet?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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