she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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