I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
