bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Pooping to opera.
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