things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
