I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
They have beer where we have blood.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
