I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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