dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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