I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She needs sedatives and a leash
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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